I’m not sure where exactly I was when I realized that I wanted to stop writing my blog.
I know the idea started creeping in about three years ago, when I realized that if you wanted to have a successful blog you had to run it like a business. This meant sponsored posts, constant content creation, and a real time commitment- three things that I knew I was not interested in. It was around this time that Instagram became the new “blog” platform and as much as I tried to convince myself that microblogging was just a fad, I couldn’t help but notice that engagement on blogs (and especially my blog) was way down. The bottom line was people were busy and just didn’t have the time or desire to seek out smaller and more independent blogs. Even with all the great press I received, it wasn't enough to garner enough dialog which really is the fuel that keeps a blog running. I knew the end was probably in sight but I just couldn’t imagine what my week would feel like without writing my blog.
And then I got busy. Really really busy.
I was at a point where my design business was taking off and at the same time I was working on designing our Costa house. I had a million commitments at my kids school and I felt like an equal amounts of obligations outside of my “work.” During these super busy periods I found myself unable to sit still and it was impossible for me to get into the right head space to pen a post. As a result the blog began to lag and that’s when I knew it was over. I tried to make up for the lack of posting by posting “quality” posts to try to make myself more inspired to write, but even then I found myself struggling to get enthusiastic about sitting down to put together a post.
Now it’s 2019 and here I am. I’m wrapping the projects that kept me so busy last year and we are only eight weeks away from moving into the Costa house. I’ve replaced the word “stress” with “personal growth” and in the fall I took on only things that would feed my soul. I’ve fulfilled a life-long dream of mine (or at least a dream of mine for the last decade) and I’ve started taking full emersion French classes twice a week. It’s fun and it’s challenging and it’s by far one of the greatest things I’ve ever done. I’ve also started cooking and I really want to push myself in the kitchen this year so I’ve taken on a challenge of #250daysofepiccooking where I plan on making killer dinners for 250 nights this year and sharing the recipe each day on Instastories. Last month I became a certified free diver after diving 70 feet in the ocean, something I never in a million years would have thought that I’d start doing at 40 years old.
And I’m designing. I’ve done a lot in the last five years design wise and honestly, it still hasn’t really hit me that this is what I do as a profession. That’s so crazy. (Seriously, it’s insane considering that when I started this blog I was a lawyer with absolutely NO interest in design). I am so incredibly proud of the homes I’ve created and I’m at a point where I really want to spend some time reveling in all I’ve done. Having this blog brings with it so much pressure to share and talk about my work, and to do it successfully I need to go from one project to the next which means bringing on staff and really pushing forward full speed.
The thing I’ve learned about myself over the last year is I just don’t want any of that. I feel like my entire life I have had my foot on the gas pedal and I have been pressing with all my might. It’s actually a good thing I had this blog because without it I’m not even sure I could remember this last decade. From one kid to two, one house to the next, a new business… you name it, it happened to us this decade and I loved sharing it with all of you. For so long I felt like I was part of a community that I created and having this platform for me to bounce the inner-workings of my brain off made me feel like I could do anything, even if sometimes I was just reflecting my own thoughts back to myself.
I guess I’m just at the point where I don’t want to share anymore. I turn 40 this year, I know exactly who I am, who my kids are, what my life looks like and I’m at the point where I just want to experience the world I created. I want to do/ and or create things and not think about how others would feel about it. When you write a blog or put yourself out there on social media, you are automatically in a vulnerable position because you are sending out something that is important to you (your work, your kids, your self identity) for others to judge. Lately, that’s become such a big deal for me. I want to love my work and my life because I PERSONALLY love these things and not because I want approval from someone else. I want so badly to enter my 40’s feeling completely confident about who I am as a person and I believe the first step is to stop seeking approval from those around me. This means walking away from this blog and social media all together. I’m know I’m not quite ready to pull the plug on all my social media but I’m hoping that will time I will get there.
So, in the end it is a happy ending. I started this blog was I was a new mother and one who had just walked away from the only profession she had ever known. I was 28 years old, I had no idea about who I was and I was alone all day. At the time my friends all had work and parties and a life, and I had a newborn. Now, some twelve years later I am a totally different person with a totally different identity. I am living the life I only wrote about back then and I’m the opposite of lonely. I have two boys that I love so deeply and a husband who continues to excite and inspire me every day of my life. I have the best friends in the entire world, women who have my back so fiercely and whom together have pushed me to become the person that I am today. And I have my hobbies. My french, my cooking, my design projects. I am so fulfilled on a creative level and I know exactly where my place is. This life is more than I could have ever dreamed of and I am super excited to begin to truly live each moment as it comes.
I can’t thank you all enough for reading over the years. This community has given me so much support and I will forever be grateful for your words of encouragement and advice. Some of you have been with me from the beginning and I’m not sure how I would have made it through our fertility struggles without you. Writing this blog for you has pushed me to be the best version of myself and for that I am forever grateful. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
The world is small and I hope we will soon cross paths in the “real world.” For those of you who would like to stay in touch you can reach me at firstname.lastname@example.org.