I'm not sure if the following would be considered 1) completely "normal" or 2) if it means that I'm bat shit crazy. I think it's probably the former, but you can never rule out the latter. :)
So, for the past month, EVERY NIGHT, I have been dreaming of "losing" my little man. Sometimes I can't find him in a store, sometimes I check on him at night and he is gone, sometimes I find out he is sick, sometimes someone is trying to take him away, and sometimes, like the other night, I dream of impossible situations that seem so real, which involved us flying back from Hawaii, where got put on separate planes. I watched myself, standing at the gate for hours, sobbing, waiting for him to get off the plane, and then frantically running around when I learned that it was empty. Clearly, it doesn't take a PHD to see that I am having some serious anxiety about "loosing" my little man when baby #2 comes into the picture. It seems as though my subconscious may be as freaked out as my conscious is, concerned that when baby Gray comes into the picture things will never be the same around here.
I've talked to my friends about this, and their answer is simple, "no, things won't be the same... they will be better," and I do get that. I can see how two will be better than one, and I have no doubt that I have more than enough love for both little boys, yet I still can't help feeling like I am loosing something. My Little Man and I have been so inseparable for the past 4 years, and our routines are so established, that I can't even picture what our lives are going to look like in two short months. Will we still get to cuddle every morning for 20 minutes? Will we still have coffee and hot chocolate on the couch every morning, while watching the newest Curious George together? Will the only question be, "where should we go today," and not how are we going to manage this? Do we still get to cook together every night, while singing our "best friend song?"(The above are the highlights of every day)
I realize that the answer to all of the above is yes, and no. Yes, we will be able to cuddle, but no, it won't be for 20 minutes, and there will probably be another little guy in bed with us. Yes, we can have coffee on the sofa, but I will most likely be breast feeding, rather than watching, and commenting. Sure, we will still be able to go to all of our usual places, but I might have to allow for more time, and be more prepared before we leave. I doubt the cooking will stop, but we will have to time it when the baby is either sleeping or otherwise occupied. I get all that. I do. However, that doesn't mean the thought of change doesn't freak the hell out of me. It takes me days/weeks/months to adopt to any change, even small changes, and this, short of having the LM, is going to be one of the biggest shockers of them all.
From the outside, I can see that this is all unnecessary anxiety. People do this every day. They adjust, the kids adjust, and you all are better off in the end. Rather than having one love of my life, I will have two. That can't be a bad thing, right?
Now, If only I could be this logical while sound asleep????
All you Moms and Dads of two, three, four (or more!) did you ever go though this? Can things change while staying the same??? I would love to hear your thoughts. Oh, and if I am in fact "bat shit crazy" you can feel free to tell me that too!
P.S. Do we think the LM is too old for the bjorn? As you can see above I wore him EVERYWHERE for his first year of life. This is us "watching" a Costa Rican sunset. It's one way to guarantee he won't get lost!!!!!