First off I can't thank ALL of you enough for your kinds words, prayers, and congratulations!!!! I can't even begin to explain to you what that outpouring of love has meant to us, and the fact that so many of you have been through this lengthy journey with me from the beginning makes me feel truly blessed. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!
I didn't post yesterday because I really wasn't sure what I was feeling. Immediately upon hearing the news, Tuesday, I felt a wave of relief. Pure and utter relief. Relief that I would never ever have to think about trying to conceive, ovulation, IVF, pregnancy tests, waiting and wishing, all of it. Honestly, the only thing I can compare it to was the day I got my bar results, that feeling of being so done with something that you worked so hard for, and knowing that you would never EVER have to think about it again.
I began to notice yesterday that the feeling of relief was quickly being replaced by one of anxiety. Within minutes of sharing my news I received more than a few emails and texts from friends, who themselves were expecting, and who were waiting to share the wonderful news with me until I had some of my own to pass on. (Which by the way is amazingly considerate and something I never would have asked for, but greatly appreciate.) While this news made me so unbelievably excited, it also reminded me that there is no guarantee that this baby is going to make it through the long haul. All I can think about was what happened last time, when we went to hear the heartbeat at 10 weeks and there was nothing there. What if that happens again, and what if, just like last time, I'm the only one who doesn't have a baby in the end? I feel like we have come so far, but in reality we are only at the beginning. What if we have to start all over? These questions have driven me crazy the past 48 hours. I have been analyzing every twitch, pain, wondering if the fact that I am not sick (yes, I realize this doesn't usually happen yet) means that something is wrong. My stomach is so large from the progesterone, and I can't help but keep wondering if there really is a baby in there. Something which I ask my husband about 100 times a day (sorry babe.)
I realize that all of this is out of my control, but I am finding it really hard to turn off all of the noise in my head. I keep reminding myself that we had an almost perfect embryo put in, and that because it happened last time is no indication that it will happen again. I keep thinking of all the people I know who have had perfect and healthy pregnancies, and the fact that I have actually had a perfect and healthy pregnancy, and I know that there is no reason why anything will go wrong. That is what I keep telling myself, now I realize I just have to start believing it.
As anxious as I feel, I am comforted by the fact that this feeling will only last for the next few days/weeks. Tomorrow I am getting my blood drawn again and if the numbers (which were pretty high in the beginning) have doubled we have a good sign. I will do the same again on Monday, and about a week from then we should be able to schedule an ultrasound just to make sure that that little heart is beating as it should. I am going to try to go back to yoga this weekend, or swim, or do something to try to calm my mind.
I'm going to try to keep picturing myself at 40 weeks, and I know with just a little bit of luck we will get there...
(Photo Credit: From Here.)