I realize I haven't posted much recently regarding our ongoing fertility issues, but a few of you have sent me emails asking what's happening so I figured I would give you all an update. No, I am not pregnant and I thank all of you for the adorable emails from those of you who thought my lack of silence meant that I was. The reason I haven't written anything, is because nothing really has been going on. In short, we are taking a month off. Trust me, after all this you will be one of the first to know when I actually do finally conceive. You've gone this far with me, we're not stopping now.
A few weeks ago both my husband and I went through our final round of testing. As expected his results turned out normal, and not as expected, so did mine. There is no blockage, no thyroid, no hormonal issues. Nothing. This diagnosis was equally as hopeful as it was frustrating. I had my final sit down with the doc and the answer was pretty much the same, there is nothing really wrong, but it could take a few years of trying on our own to conceive again. There is no guarantee that once I go off the Clomid I will continue to cycle regularly and this would lead to a more increased risk of miscarriage, thus more trouble getting pregnant. The stress of that and the continued "trying" is more than we can take and our Dr. has suggested that we go forward with the more aggressive treatments.
We had planned on starting right away, but given that we are leaving for Thanksgiving and will be unable to stay in town continually for the next month we were forced to take a month off. I see this as a Godsend of sorts. Almost like a cleanse. I have one month where I don't even have to think about getting pregnant. No ultrasounds, no drugs, no sticks, no disappointing pregnancy test results, no crazy mood swings. None of it.
I plan on spending the holidays drinking wine, eating sushi, and I even snuck in a girl's weekend. One last hurrah we'll call it. Then in December we will begin our treatments. When I sat down with the nurse I was actually a bit shocked at how time consuming this all is going to be. I'm not concerned about my time, I have plenty of that. What is concerning is what I am going to do with the LM. Basically once we start the injections I will be having to go to the Dr. at least once a day for a few weeks for blood tests and ultrasounds, than when it is time for the insemination for two days in a row I have to be there at an exact time and depending on how many eggs there are we may have to do emergency IVF surgery with little or no notice. All these times and dates are completely dependent on my body and can't be scheduled in advance. This makes arranging childcare for my active LM virtually impossible. We have no family nearby, so we are going to have to rely heavily on our friends and sometimes I will have to bring the little guy with me. It's not ideal, but we don't see any other choice. Hopefully we will only have to do one or two months, this is what I'm crossing my fingers for.
I spent the last week feeling pretty frustrated. I fell back into that whole, "I'm only 30, we had no problems with the LM, why is this happening," feeling sorry for myself kind of place. I quickly snapped out of it. I have the LM, insurance is covering everything, if this is what it takes than this is what it takes. I consider myself to be very luck and if this is our journey so be it. At this point it is out of my hands.
I did come to a pretty big decision as well. My husband doesn't see it as quite as big (as it was always his plan) but for me it took a while to get there. This is it for us. I will do whatever it takes to have this next baby(s) but after that, no more. I refuse to go though this a third time, and there is no way I could fathom doing this with two or three children in tow. While I was always on the fence about baby number three (assuming I could convince the husband) I am on it no more. If we can have one more, than we are very, very lucky and there is no reason to add any more stress to our lives. A big family would be great, but it is just not in the cards for me.
So that's the update. I'll talk more when we actually begin the process. Again I thank all of you for your support and your emails. I'm looking forward to a nice relaxing month.
A few minutes after I published this post, next month's drugs arrived in the mail. There must be 4 different kinds and there are just so many of them, all injections. I will not cry, this is all worth it. I will not cry, this is all worth it. I will not cry, this is all worth it.... I guess I forgot how much I hate needles.