I find myself with not a whole lot to say today.
Today I start clomid cycle number 5. I've pretty much given up hope that the clomid is going to work and I am anxiously awaiting October 15 when I can finally be deemed "infertile." While this title is nothing to look forward to it does mean that, for insurance purposes, we can finally start getting more aggressive. I'm again convinced that maybe I have a blockage or scar tissue from the D&E that I had to get after my miscarriage last year. Now that I will be "infertile" I can get this checked out. I also can start, in about 2 months, doing injectibles and moving towards IVF. I am hoping things don't have to get this drastic but at this point I would do almost anything to get this ball rolling.
I also am thinking of joining a support group (thank you dear reader for the suggestion!) if only so I can feel like I am not the only one. I swear it sometimes hits me at the strangest times. Like yesterday for example. I was walking down Charles street with the LM on the way to the park when I spotted a woman who I hadn't seen in about two years. She was in one of our baby classes with me and the LM in the early days, and she used to often comment about the "science" that went into to making her miracle baby. When I spotted her I rushed up to say hello and then from across the street until I spotted her swollen belly. Seeing this I was overcome with disappointment and cut away another street. Clearly this is good news for her, but I just couldn't help thinking WHEN IT IS GOING TO BE MY TURN? Obviously, this kind of thinking is not that healthy nor is it rational and I think that it would be helpful for me to be in an environment where other women are having similar emotions. At a minimum maybe it will help me to stop staring at every pregnant woman I see. I swear, one of these women are going to call me, or the police, due to my eye "stalking."
So begins another cycle. Ugh.