Again I am not pregnant. Totally sucks? Yes. Totally disappointing? Also yes. Totally had my hopes up? Yes, yes yes. But here's the thing, this month for some reason I am pretty OK with this. Yes, I still want another baby. Yes, I would like one asap, but this month I am refusing to let this send me into a downward spiral. I am officially giving up control. Officially. I think the following things are what is keeping me in such positive spirits:
- We are finally able to book some of the vacations that we have been holding off on because I would have been too pregnant to travel. These include an adults only trip to Colorado in December. A family trip to Switzerland in February, followed by a trip for the little man/ a conference for the Husband at the Happiest Place on Earth; Disneyland. How could I not be psyched about that? The little man + Mickey = insanity and a great time.
- The terrible twos are really, really (really, really, really) terrible. The fact that the LM will be closer to three when baby number 2 rolls around is a very, very, very, very good thing. Life would be really tough right now with two. Awesome, but tough.
- I really am enjoying my little man. Despite the terrible twos the LM and I are having an amazing summer. Having one kid who sort of listens and can get around/ follow a routine is amazing. I am having the time of my life and given the little guy's short time on this earth I can guarantee you that he is too.
- I have become obsessed with fertility forums and I keep reading other people's happy endings. I feel very lucky to have the LM and I can't explain what a relief it is to know that there are others out there who have been successful in their fertility struggles. Every story that ends in success really helps me to envision that success myself. I know it will happen, it's just a matter of when.
The only thing that has me down? The fact that I have to do yet another round of the Clomid/ Progesterone. Ugh, I am just so over it. The mood swings, the pain, the acne, the weight gain. O.V.E.R. I.T.. Over it. Sadly, there is nothing I can do. The doc said that if I go off the chances of conceiving are much less likely. So more and more drugs. At least there is a light at the end of this Clomid tunnel. The plan is two more months on the pill, then two months of injectables (as required by the insurance Co.), and then IVF. Clearly we are hoping that it won't come to any of that but the doc. seems to think that with the IVF I am pretty much guaranteed a baby. Two babies actually. Again, I am hoping it won't come to that but I do like having a plan. Even if that plan includes more hormones, it's still a plan.
It's going to be a beautiful week, the little man is going to turn two soon, and we have our health/ home/ family. I refuse to let a little thing like a negative pregnancy test get me down. This month at least. Thank you all for your finger crossings and baby dust. Next month, right?
P.S. I totally think it's rude that the pregnancy test has to so aggressively say "Not Pregnant." Can't it be like a magic 8 ball and say things like, "Try Again Later," or "Sorry Not This Time," or "Keep Trying Honey," or the best would be "It Will Happen, Just Not Now." Hmmmm perhaps I should create a new product?