Easier said than done, right? This is pretty much the case for me. I am a worrier. An obsessive, can't sleep, ALL thoughts consumed worrier. It doesn't matter if the issue is big or small (or even really really small). No matter, I will worry. Along with the worry, I also have a lot of guilt. Guilt about my worrying. I feel guilty that there are people who have life so much harder, so many more things to worry about and I feel that it is wrong for me to worry about such little things, like it makes me a bad person. Then I begin to worry about my guilt. As you can see this is a vicious cycle. I just wish I could have a crystal ball and see how things are going to turn out, then I wouldn't have to worry so much. Clearly, this is not going to happen and short of meds (I know it's not that bad) I'm not quite sure what to do.
Take today as an example. Today the little man and I had aquarium class. Something that should be really fun, and it was. The problem? I spent most of the night, and a good part of this morning worrying about the fact that the class was dead smack in the middle of the little man's morning nap. I kept thinking, what if he melts down? What if it screws up his whole day? What is going to happen to his afternoon nap? I began to obsess. You know what? We went, he was great, we got home at noon and slept an hour and was ready to go back down exactly on time at 3pm. So all that worrying was for absolutely nothing and I'm left feeling like an ass. Why did I spend so much time worrying when I could have just rolled with it. Who am I to make such trivial things so important? What about those who have real problems? I feel like me being so consumed with my own life is somehow putting my problems on the same scale as theirs, even if I don't even know them.
It's not just the small stuff. Ever since I have been married I constantly worry that something is going to happen to my spouse. Now that we have the little man the same goes for him. I lay in bed at night and I have to count how many people I know with husbands who are still alive. How many married parents I know who haven't lost a child. Usually this gets me through. Then I hear of a tragedy of someone I know, or I watch a fictional TV show where something disastrous happens and for me it is just proof that bad things happen out of nowhere. Life sometimes just sucks. It doesn't help that we are now applying for life insurance and it just makes it all the more real.
There is just so much to worry about; life, death, will I ever get pregnant again, will that baby be healthy, money, the economy, the war, global warming, the finishing on my dream home, poverty around the world, AIDS, is my little man happy and healthy, am I a good mom, am I a good wife, am I a good friend? There is just so much unknown. So much we can never know the answer to until it is too late.
So what am I left with? Lots of worry and lots of guilt. I told you, it's a vicious cycle. I know there isn't anything that can be done and worry is really just a mind over matter thing. I know all these things in my head, the old "don't sweat the small stuff." As I said sometimes this is easier said than done, at least for me.